It wasnt easy. My life. Maybe from your perspective i looked like the happiest girl alive. No, i am not.

Ive been through everything, the hell and heaven on this earth and to be still standing up tall making everyone around me proud of me is one hell of a contentment. 


Two nights before D-Day (SPM Result Day), I've had the best two dreams in my entire life for two consecutive nights. Ayah, how i miss calling someone by the name of "ayah" and yes, he was my dream. 

He was there with me for two nights. I got to call him "ayah" again, i got to hear the voice that Ive been longing to hear these past 631 days, i got to salam (shook) his hand, his crinkly & cold hand... and i got to hug him, being cradled by someone i used to call him ayah, the hug that i seldom get and will never ever have it now and forever. 

Allah is The Greatest, The Most Merciful to all of his servant. He lent me my dad even if it was just for a while and albeit all of my sins, He gave me the most priceless moment that no one could ever offer. 

Maybe you might be thinking like "it was just a dream"; yes it was just a dream but i almost felt like it was real and it was more than enough for me. All i could think of was meeting my daddy again in my dream was a sign of solace for whatever result i will get soon and yes, i felt ayah's presence was to comfort me.

No need to mention my mother, my family and anyone around me, even me myself have always had high expectation of myself. I wanted to break my own record for getting a streak of Straight A's from UPSR, PMR, SMA and until SPM. Maybe i asked for too much because it didn't happen. I lost in my own battlefield at the end point.

I struggled and strangled in my own mind and body's limit. I wanted that 11A's so much i did everything i could. No one can deny my hardship because, my own mom told me this. 

But it was written that way, that 10A's have been written long time ago by Him. Maybe my effort was not enough, maybe my sins stopped me from getting that 11A's, maybe i did something wrong to someone something that i couldn't remember or maybe just maybe, that 10A's He gave me will lead me to the right path of my own desire. No one knows. Because this is rezeki. All of the things we had and have now are all just favours from him because who are we to deny the favours of our Lord.

That is what i told myself.

All i ever wanted is to make my mom happy again. I wanted her to accompany me onto the stage receiving the award that she would be really happy of and Allah heard my Du'aa. Although it wasn't a Straight A's, my mom still had the chance to be on the stage with me.

CONGRATULATIONS GUYS!

But frankly to be really honest, SPM 2015 WAS SO CRUEL i thought i would have gotten 8/9 A's and ended up with 10 was really my rezeki. Subjects that that had me like 

"what did i just answered" 
"studying for two years that was all i can answered??" 
"WAS THAT EVEN IN THE SYLLABUS" 
"Idk i think im going to be a farmer after spm" 

were Chemistry, Addmath, Sejarah and Arab. At the end of the day, i know what i got is what i worked for!

*Im sorry and thank you Hana for this picture* TERIMA KASIH GURU SAMTTAJ UNGGUL!

The Best Deskmate Ever Award goes to Izyan!

Can someone like rob her SPM slip and give it to me i need to liquid her name and write my name on it. {Be like her, not me}

1.  Tahajjud, Qiyam Al-Lail (Night Prayer) : This is the secret behind all of my success *hush dont tell anyone* Waking up in the middle of the night is no doubt so hard but give it a try and make it a habit, He listens and He grants your wishes. 
   
2. Set up a comfortable study zone : Whether you are staying at hostel or home, a study zone dont have to be perfect and nice, as long as that study zone looks like a comfort zone to you, you're good to go. Trust me, studying for SPM is really tough with lots of distractions especially when youre that type to hold your phone 24/7 (ME) so when you have a specific study zone, your study mood will aroused and eventually you will start studying! 
3. Be organize : I cant work at an unorganised space because i will have headache. So before i start doing homework or studying, i will stack up the books that i will only use on the table and i will always start with the hardest subject. If can, make a daily timetable or the least you can do is to just to plan what you should do after getting home from school. 
4. Files, sticky notes, highlighters : These stationeries are very crucial trust me! Please please please arrange all your notes into different files according to subject or the least is to just put all the notes your teachers gave into a file. Just dont miss any notes, they are so helpful for exams. Meanwhile sticky notes and highlighters are lyfe especially for subjects like Sejarah and Biology. These reading subjects need you to be focusing on the IMPORTANT POINTS so highlight the point and write it on a sticky note. I usually stick this sticky notes on the cover page of a book and on the wall.
5. Revision & exercise books : Now that everything and everywhere is about KBAT there KBAT here so you know KBAT is the death of you unless youre a genius. Choosing the right revision & exercise books are important so that you wont be wasting money and trees. If you ask me do you really need to buy SPM Past Year Questions book, for me they arent really helpful because no KBAT. BUT, i still think you need to buy them because you need to try SPM 2015 questions and you will know whether youre good to go with KBAT or not. So since it is only the starting of the year and you guys havent finished your syllabus yet, buy topical exercise books that have lots of KBAT questions and complete answer sheet (especially addmath, buy the one which the answer sheet provide you the working). After you have finished all syllabus, buy and answer all of the MRSM & SBP past year questions book. For revision book yang gemuk tebal berat gila tu, i prefer Oxford Fajar SUCCESS. REVISION BOOK WAJIB ADA.
6. Stay focus in class : Well i know it is hard because even me myself slept a lot last year but came to realize, that is why i got 10A's haha.
7. Tuition : Tuition is not compulsory. It is optional. But for someone like me who completely messed up her Form4 year and felt like she didnt study anything during Form4 then it is like wajib? I must say tuition helps me a lot, like really a lot for me to catch up Form4 topics. I went to Pusat Tuisyen SOHOR @ Section 9 Shah Alam!
8. Do good deeds : Do good, and good will come to you especially towards your parents and teachers to get their blessings and prayers. When you have the opportunity to help the needy, help them. Who knows, they are the reason you will get straight A's, right?
9. Friendship : Find at least a friend that you can always be with. During ups and downs. Study together. Teach each other. I had a lot of friends who taught me last year. Take care of your friendship, dont start a fight that will only lead you to agitation. 
10. Aim high : Write or print some motivational words that will aroused your study spirit everyday. Have moderate expectations to yourself so you know your goals, potential and you will strive to it. 
11. A page of Al-Quran everyday : Read Al-Quran even youre busy, you still have time, make time. If you can, read more than one page.
12. Oh yes, please put your phone on flight mode or just turn it off when you're studying : DO IT
13. Be moderate to yourself, body and mind : If you think youve studied enough and feels like your head is going to explode soon, STOP. Go out, have fun, go shopping, you wont lose your A's.
14. Dont skip your meals : Drink lots of water, stay hydrated, stay full so your mind can work well. 

So this is gonna be a gawky prologue again.. i think?

Hello everyone and yes i'm back (for good or nah idek) again and you must be reading this post title like whut is this woman talking about huh?! Bit by bit, word by word, allow me to elucidate those three words;

Some people asked me even my foster Japanese mother asked me once, "why did you come to Japan?". I stuttered. Not that i am lying but sometimes there are things that you have a soft spot on and you yourself dont even know what is the reason of the fondness. That applies to me, admiring Japan. Back to the question, i could only answer the most basic reason that everyone used, "I love Japanese culture". But once again, i am not lying. If you are saying i love Japan because of the artists, bands, J-Dramas, nope absolutely nope because i love BigBang (Korean obviously) and i watched more K-Dramas than J-Dramas (Hana Yori Dango and Jun Matsumoto are exception tho) so Japanese entertainment are not on the list. Lets cut it short, i love Japan and this country has always been in the number 1 top country in my vacation dream list (weird sentence arrangement).

To be going to my dream country alone, without my mom and siblings around, i didnt have that in mind though. But it happened anyway. For 10 days, i was there without any of my family members. The advertisement for this exchange student program held by Hiroshima International Club was informed during the month of February or March this year in my school. At first i was just joking and dreaming around about participating this program since i knew the cost would be the major problem but I DONT KNOW IT JUST HAPPENED THAT MOM GAVE ME THE PERMISSION. There are like many other countries you can choose from their website and no it is not under the responsibility of my school nor your school. This program is organised by Hiroshima Club under Kementerian Pendidikan Malaysia (KPM).

Just imagined my eagerness of waiting for the date of 7th December 2015 after submitting the application on the month of April while having a mental torture by the upcoming SPM. Yes i did gone nuts. I cried a lot this year :_: Of course, the suffering stopped anyway. I went there with some of my schoolmates Aqilah, Najat and another 4 boys from my school. A day before departure we stayed at Corus Hotel in Port Dickson for orientation. We aint gonna go there blindly with nothing for our preparation right (ꐦ ಠ皿ಠ )




"I know your souls are already in Japan and what are left in here are only your body", our sensei said this and it was faultlessly true. Monday, 7th December 2015 was the departure day. We took Vietnam Airlines that was due at 8.30 p.m. and we had to transit at Ho Chi Minh City first. Thank God, we departed from KLIA and not KLIA2. So, our journey began.

My adventure time to Japan already had an interesting beginning from our first flight. I have this sort of excitement towards In Flight Meal and was very looking forward for the meal served in Vietnam Airlines because it was my first time taking the airlines. And so the stewardess served us the meal and.... there was this odd looking ham salad and right at the moment i knew something was wrong. The truth unveiled, it was pork, lol.



Later on, we landed at Ho Chi Minh City and had like 2 hours waiting time for our next flight. The challenge of speaking Japanese started at the airport. As me and my friends were sitting there were these 3 Japanese aunties that tried to talk to us. I understood nothing. But still it was really pleasurable as we were already receiving the Japanese vibes. In the next flight, i had to sit with idk Vietnamese or Japanese old couple but we didnt have any conversation as i took very long sleep along the journey. Finally, we arrived at Kansai Airport.

*takes a peek* Is there anyone still around? 👀

Hello i don't know how to start this. Like usual i always startled whenever i wanted to start typing for my blog. But you know they say "the hardest part about studying is actually starting" well it applies to everything if you want to make it simpler. It is always so hard to start doing something but if you keep staying on the track that thing that you once started will gives you something that you desired to have. So hello there i guess I'm done adapting myself.

Can you even believe that I've been blogging for 4 years now? I started on 25/7/2010 and now I'm here, still blogging, once a year ha ha i felt sorry for myself..

I'm 16 this year. I can say i am quite a big girl now. If only i can tell you every inch of the things that happened to me this year i would, but I'm not good in arranging stories because if i am good at it i'd be a writer by now LMAO ROFL okay sorry. I wanted to be a dentist *this is so random*. I did say that 2013 has been quite a depressing year for me, right? Well then i myself don't even know how to call what year this 2014 is. In a bad way.. grievously.

Have you ever just gone through something grim like those scenes in the movies? Like you've really gone through it in this real life? Because i did. And still do now. Have you ever lose someone that you never imagined they leaving? The love of your life? Because, mine is already gone. Gone to Him, to that better place, forever, abidingly.


Friday the 13th, it was just a day i never envisioned before. I lost, my hero, my world, my life, my daddy, my ayah. I can't simply conclude my feelings, my condition during that time. The situation that happened even before he exhaled his last breath was far more.. :(( i just couldn't put this into words. I miss him so much. So much i would rather trade my life with him. I would give anything to have him back in my life.. i would.. i would do anything to eliminate this feeling of missing him every second in my life. I never wanted you to leave ayah. I am okay if you wanted to work far far away from me from us but i never wanted you to leave to that place, yet. It is worser that now, i still think that he is here. He still exists in this world, breathing the same air with me. Because i am already too habituated of his absence as he always worked so far away for months and coming home just for a while. I am never that gritty enough to face this. To the point that i questioned Him, "why me ya Rabb..' and i'll just broke into tears knowing that I've asked something that a Muslim should never do. My father is His, we are His, everything is His and we should never questioned why if one day people and things around us slowly gone. It is written that way, we are already aware of it. We just never seems to care "when", will it happened. Allah loves him more, Allah loves me, that he took him away to remind me, this world is nothing but just a provisional place for all of us. I love you ayah. I will continue to make you proud, every time.

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I guess i will just write my blog once a year now. It would be a miracle if i started blogging daily, monthly nor weekly. But you can find me on instagram! ((@jwdhraihan)) and you can always visit my vsco grid! ((n-jawidahraihan.vsco.co)) Till we meet again, anonymous ✨

Hello

Im all alone. By myself. I am neither happy nor sad. More to fearing of what will come ahead. It is tomorrow. The day I've been waiting for all this year. I know everyone around me hoping for the best of me, the best of my result, 9A's. Their expectation aren't lower than that i assure you and that is one of my fear. I am totally in need of hugs from my loved ones. It'd be good if you're still here with me too. Making me feel all safe. Preventing me from stepping into the insecurity world of mine. That aint happening is it? These past few days are the hardest for me. Im not bragging but I've been thinking about everything. The summary of my 2013 life. Too hard to forget. Too hard to not to cry. Lets just sum this up by saying i am just afraid of the new changes. Changes are good for me but, i just don't want them. Even if i choosed not to join into the new environment, i'll still be entering it one day. I need to take a brave step ahead. Without no one on my side anymore. To say that 2013 is a suck year aint making any sense. 2013 is just another year that is passing by. We, you, me, are the one that need to be blame on for making this year a bad year ({if you had one}) Writing this thing up kind of clearing quarter of the problems in my head. I don't care about them problems at the moment. I am just asking for a better day tomorrow. For me to receive 9A's in the 2013 PMR is enough. Tho' it will not settle all of my thoughts, but it is still my biggest priority for the time being.

Im not asking for more, i just need your prayer.